Tired Mommy

If I wasn't so tired...

I wouldn't be so grumpy in the morning and I might actually feel like making a real breakfast;


I would play longer and with more energy when my kids ask me to play tag or "make believe;"

I would feel like going outside more often, even if it's a little warm;

I'd plan fun activities with the kids, like crafts or new games;

I would be more patient with my children and realize they are JUST KIDS;

I would feel angry less often;

I would be more silly with my kids;

I would spend less time on the computer;

I would have more meaningful scripture study no matter what time of the day I choose to study;

I would exercise more often (more often than never, which is about as often as I exercise right now);

I wouldn't get so overwhelmed when I make dinner and everyone is seeking my attention at the same time;

I would be happier.

Why am I so tired?

I'm the mother of four children younger than six.

My husband is gone at school for four full days a week, from 9a to 11p.

I don't eat healthy enough.

I'm a nursing mama.

I have a four month old who goes to bed at 7p (yay) but wakes up at 3a to eat and thinks 6a is rise and shine time.

Worst of all, I go to bed at midnight every night. Why? To spend time with James because I miss him and I want to feel like a wife and woman rather than just a mommy, mama, mom.

I WANT to go to bed earlier. I just don't know how to do it. So here I am, tired.

Birthday time

Ah man, I can't believe I've waited a whole month and a half to post about William and Lizzie's birthday party. Better late than ever?? Oh well. Lizzie turned 3 and William turned one. We invited both my family and James' family. It was extremely crowded but I was grateful so many could come. The kids had a lot of fun.

These are actually pictures of the kids eating cupcakes at play group for William's birthday.

My friend posted a picture of a birthday cake with a skittle rainbow and I thought "That is so cute and fun. I want to do that." That's what got the rainbow wheels turning. So the theme was Taste The Rainbow. You'll see.

We made ice in six colors but decided they would just turn the soda brown. Eeew.

The Big Reveal.
I baked two cake mixes in six different pans. So cool.
Party favors: Baby food jars with skittles inside. I loved making these.

"I'm a rainbow king!"

I crocheted this garland especially for the party.

Paper Orbs. I love them.

Believing

Today I believed myself when I said "I don't have to have a perfectly clean house. It's okay that I have a basket of clothes from two weeks ago that we just pick through because I didn't quite get to that one." My life will go on whether or not my house is clean. What did I do instead with my time? That's what important.

The Lord's Challenge for me

Some of you already know most of this story but it's been on my mind some more lately.

A few months ago, two of our favorite neighbors, Kory and Bri, moved out. We liked this couple so much we wanted to make a hole in our wall so we could visit each other without going out side, down the stair and up their stairs to see them. We imagined having this secret door where we could pass the kids over there, or they could pop on by and hang out. But alas, as with all things in life, things changed and they moved away. (Not very far, thankfully. We still see them as often as we can.) So we anticipated new neighbors and wondered if we could possibly like them as much as our previous ones. The day the "noobs" moved in, we thought it would be fun to take them some goodies and introduce ourselves. So I waddled my pregnant, jammy wearing self over there with James and knocked on the door. And who do you think answered? My ex-boy friend from high school and his wife. My jaw dropped to the floor and I could barely speak. You see, things didn't end very amicably. In fact, I was pretty sure he hated me. We hadn't even spoken in five years.

When said boyfriend, let's call him Franko (totally false name, and pretty funny, too,) and I broke up, he still had to go on a mission. While we were dating I kind of felt like waiting for him but didn't know if it was the right thing. He said "You'll probably be married before I even leave on my mission." ...and I was. The day before I was getting married, Franko called and told me he was leaving for his mission in about a month. He sounded pretty bitter and very self righteous in being right. I just felt like "oh well, see you never." And that was the last time we had spoken.

But when James and I were moving to BYU to go to graduate school, I had heard that Franko was still going to school here and I was certain I'd run into him somewhere. So everywhere I went I thought I saw him or even his old car but I never did. Until of course, I knocked on his door. At least I didn't have to ask him if he likes peanut butter.

Here's the meat of the story. After discovering he lived next door, I started have a small freak out. What are the chances that he would not only move into my ward, but move in RIGHT NEXT TO ME?! Thankfully we don't share a stairwell or I'd have to see him way more often. As it is, I probably only see Franko once or twice a week. I see his wife far more often. But I didn't know this when we first saw him. Anyway, all these feelings of hurt and remorse and anger from our relationship came back and I just wanted to understand them. James and I talked for a long time to help me figure things out. What I realized was that it wasn't really him being next door that upset me, but more like facing the things of the past.

Obviously things didn't end well when we broke up. Most of the last few months of dating were spent fighting. We would talk and talk and talk trying to "work through things" and nothing ever seemed truly resolved. Besides that, while I was talking with an old friend about it a couple of weeks ago, I realized that he was very controlling at the time. I didn't know that was what was going on then but figuring it out has helped me move past some of the hurt and anger.

Then a couple of weeks ago Franko was called as a teacher in our ward and I realized I'd have to see his face for a whole hour every other Sunday. Ugh. The first week I tried to listen but mostly just looked around the room and tried not to look at him. But I also remembered he was a pretty good teacher so his lessons weren't bad. It was just hard for me to see him and remember.

Well, yesterday William actually slept all through Sunday school so I was really able to pay attention. A couple of times Franko's wife spoke up and she inadvertently shared a bit about their marriage and relationship. All I'd known was what I saw when they got out of the car together to come home. (They didn't really hold hands and he hardly ever waited for her when going inside. He'd be half way up the stairs by the time she was just getting to the sidewalk. I remember Franko telling me he wanted to treat his wife like a queen...but I don't think this behavior is very royal, do you?) But when Franko's wife shared a bit about them, I really got the sense that they love each other. And here's the point of this whole story, I finally just felt happy for Franko and his wife. I finally felt like I was really glad they have each other and want them to succeed. I felt at peace.

So through this challenge the Lord put before me, I faced some old demons and grew from this experience. I know that my relationship with James is stronger because we talked about things and worked through my struggles together. Duh, I don't have to do these things alone, nor should I. So I give thanks to Heavenly Father for trusting me to grow and learn from this experience and for helping me finally find peace with my past.

Happy moment

My friend Brittany shared some happy things happening in her life and it got me thinking about my great couple of days. I need to document them.

Yesterday the weather was beautiful. So after the kids and I had a nap (it was amazing,) James and my mom took the kids outside while I got ready for the day. Then I came out with William and got to let him sun bathe for the first time in his little life. It felt great. We stayed outside for quite a while, then came in a washed up so we could make sugar cookies together! It was the first thing we really did since William got here. Edin and Lizzie had a great time "rolling" the dough and playing in it. I don't think a single cookie of theirs survived because they just got smashed up over and over. But the cookies James cut out were dang tasty. I added extra sour cream this time to make them even softer. Fresh out of the oven, they were like heaven. I didn't even frost them because they tasted so good. James wanted to make flower cookies for spring time. ("Captain, we always knew you were a whoopsie") We made dinos and fishes for Edin. I chose letters of my kids' names, WEE or EEW if you prefer. For William, we made feet. You know, cause they make little feet prints at the hospital for babies. And for our sweet and very girly Lizzie, we made trucks. And again, no frosting. They were too good to frost.

The point is, it felt so wonderful to share that time with my family. My children were happy playing together. My husband was handy in the kitchen. I got to help and watch and appreciate all while holding William, loving and watching over him. This was a "happy moment" for me.

Today was another wonderful day. The happy moment occurred while I was walking to the "bark park," holding Lizzie's hand. Lizzie and Edin both work up from their naps pleasant and compliant. Lizzie didn't even fight when we put her jacket on. She's hitting the "terrible twos" (or has hit, rather,) and if it's not her idea, she doesn't want to participate. But as we were walking and holding hands, I realized how blessed I was to have this time with her and Edin, playing and happy.

This quote was on our weekly RS bulletin and I liked it very much:


"A good woman knows that she does not have enough time, energy, or opportunity to take care of all of the people or do all of the worthy things her heart yearns to do. Life is not calm for most women, and each day seems to require the accomplishment of a million things, most of which are important. A good woman must constantly resist alluring and deceptive messages from many sources telling her that she is entitled to more time away from her responsibilities and that she deserves a life of greater ease and independence. But with personal revelation, she can prioritize correctly and navigate this life confidently." - Sister Beck

Today's the day!

We're going to the hospital today to have the baby! (around 12p) I'm either having my water broken or going on pitocin. I hope it doesn't take forever. I'd really like to have this baby on 3/30/10. I really like patterns. :) Wish us luck. I'll update as soon as I can. Like, in three days.

A view of the past as we look to the future

As I prepare for the birth of our third child, I can't help but think about my first two experiences. They were so similar that I can't help but think the third might be, too. I'm really not sure how to prepare for an early delivery when I really have no idea WHEN it will be. Or even IF it will happen early again. But here's just a glimpse.

We took this picture just after finishing putting Edin's crib together. We had no idea that in just a few minutes I would have my first contraction. 7 hours later Edin was here.

Edin's first picture. October 14th, 2008, 5 lbs 8 oz, 17 inches long, 19 days early.

Leaving to come home from the hospital. Our lives would never be the same. It felt surreal driving home with a CHILD! It seemed like it was just a normal day for everyone around us. We stopped at Wendy's on the way home and I got a frosty. I'll never forget that. I'll also never forget that I came home to a MESSY house. I kept telling myself "I'll clean it. I've got time before the baby comes." James spent the whole time at the hospital with me so he couldn't clean up either. We were so unprepared for this child to come when he did. The outfit I brought to the hospital was 0-3 months and obviously it's huge on him. Poor guy.
Edin had a serious lack of fat on his body so he looked like an alien for a long time. And he had no hair...for two years...

I think this is the last picture of my belly before Lizzie came, probably three weeks before.

"Why are my feet and ankles so swollen? I should take pictures." 6 hours later I had my first contraction and 8 hours later Little Lady Lizzie was here.

Lizzie was born April 15th, 2008 at 5 lbs 6 oz, 18 inches long, and 26 days early. I was even more shocked than the last time. "What? It's tax day. I'm having this baby today?"

When we left the hospital with Lizzie, she weighed only 5 lbs 1 oz. She was really ticked off at being put in the car seat. In fact, she didn't pass the "car seat test" the first time around so we had to wait for the test to be done again. Basically, they put your baby in your car seat, monitor Baby's oxygen levels for an hour, and if they stay high enough, you can take your baby home. If you don't pass after two times, they make you go rent a special car seat from Primary Children's hospital. You can't leave with the baby until you get it! Luckily she passed the second time but we sure didn't feel at ease about going home with a baby who barely passed. He head flopped around A LOT.
On the way home this time, we had to go to Target for some much needed baby items, seeing as how we were unprepared again for our baby's arrival....Then we stopped at Cafe Rio and I was in postpartum heaven. In this picture Lizzie is wearing a preemie shirt that actually has blue on the front, one of Edin's. We didn't have anything for a preemie girl. Poor thing.

So any guesses as to how early this baby will be? I'm due April 7th. On March 10th, I'll be 36 weeks along.